All I want for Christmas...

I already have my two front teeth.

Sure, there are a lot of clubs and accessories I don't have that I might like. There's probably even some non-golf stuff I might want or even need. But the only thing I can think of that I really really REALLY want is a custom club head cover. A black Great Dane (perhaps with gray on her muzzle and around her eyes), to be more specific.

Okay, it's time to explain "the goose."

My dog, Kess, is my baby girl. Very rarely does anyone actually call her by her name, though. She mostly is known simply as "the Goose." When talking about her, it's The Goose, when talking to her, it's just Goose. It started with silly goose, which I know isn't uncommon, then evolved to Mongoose (from calling her - c'mon, goose) and finally ended up being just goose.

Many pet "mommies and daddies" will understand how much she means to me. She's not just a dog to me. She's my favorite thing. In many ways, she really is treated like a child. The holidays are all about the Goose. She gets the most presents and loves opening them herself. Her birthday parties are big events. She has had a career in security and household management (she's retired now) and there have been memos circulated about her various promotions and contributions. Our Christmas card always boasts an image of her. She goes in for medical and dental checkups more regularly than I do. I've got shirts and hats I've customized myself with embroidery of the goose's profile. I purchased the domain name golfgoose.com to which I intend to eventually transfer this blog. (My cousin was going to host it but I think he got too busy.) Getting the idea? Well, you've seen how obsessed I am with golf. Did you think my obsessive behavior started and ended there?

Standing room only at the Goose's 10th birthday party last February.
Faces have been pixelated to protect the guilty.

So, last Christmas was my first Christmas as a golfer. I had the same request then that I do now. I targeted my request more precisely to my mom, who has mad knitting and crocheting skills. And, dog love her, she actually came through. She was not happy, perhaps even embarassed about the result, and she was hesitant to hand over the finished product. I have to admit, it did look more like a scottish terrier bred with Snuffalupagus from Sesame street. It was so cute, though. It was made from that long fuzzy yarn and was all black with some wispy grays on her face, but her muzzle looked more like an elephant's trunk. It had little black eyes buried in the long hair (great danes have short hair) and short ears that flopped funny. It was funny looking and didn't resemble my dog, but I knew what it was. It was adorable, made with love, and it was unique. I wore it on my club with pride.

She actually created it over an exisiting head cover for the form, and that cover wasn't big enough for my driver, the place of honor. As luck would have it, I happened to have been hitting my five-wood probably the best of all my clubs at the time, and so the cover was thereby dedicated to that club. It saw a lot of great courses and I loved having it on there. That is how my five-wood became known as my goose. Unfortunately, it wasn't very durable and started falling apart after a few months of heavy use. I returned it by mail to the manufacturer (mom) with a formal letter requesting repairs and indicated that it was still under warranty. I received a response that the item was discontinued and the parts were no longer available, with apologies and hopes that I would place future orders. I can't believe I didn't get a photo of it before I sent it back!

Now I have the TaylorMade cover back on my five-wood, but it is still known as my goose on the course. "Oh, this is a perfect situation for the goose" or "It's about 190 yards, use your goose." There is a fawn colored great dane clubhead cover available, but no black ones. I'm sure I could find an actual goose if I tried. But I want MY goose! For now, I just have a pin of a real goose on that TaylorMade cover and my three-wood has a Ruger cover, so they're easy to tell apart. But I yearn for my own personalized cover that will last.

The wrong color cover.

Maybe it's short notice for Christmas, but the Goose is Jewish and it's her year in the alternating sequence of celebrating so there's plenty of time for Dognakuh. Plus, my birthday is coming up on January 4. (I know you're reading this, mom. I know you've said you won't re-attempt this effort, and don't feel guilty that you're spending Christmas with your other daughter and I won't see you until next year. Hugs and kisses!)

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Introducing a new feature: Ask "The Goose"

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know about The Goose. She's the 11 year old Great Dane I abandon for a few hours every time I play golf. Her name is actually Kess, but she's more often called by her nickname, The Goose.

She's never been one for chasing balls and so doesn't quite see the appeal of doing it for 18 holes, but she understands my addiction nonetheless. Since she has retired from her security job, she has been restless and wants to contribute to this blog to give her something to do. I'm all for it if it will keep her out of the trash.

She's so bored!

I thought the best way for her to contribute was to use her uncanny wisdom in a feature I'm calling "Ask the Goose." Readers can send in their questions to her via e-mail using the link on the sidebar and if she answers them, I'll post them here.

Before I introduced this feature, I wanted to test it myself to see if her response would be a good fit for this site. I think it is, and I'll share the example here now:

Dear Goose,

What is the best way to practice my short game?

Love, Mom

Dear "Mom,"

I love the short game because it involves chips, and I love chips. It's good that you understand this is the most important part of your game, and to make sure you practice it, you should make it fun. Playing is good.

Take some friends if you can and make a game out of your practice. Even wager on it if you want. With your bump and runs and your flop shots, choose a target and mark it. I recommend using something other than pee because it doesn't always show up and it can be messy. Then play "GOOSE" (HORSE is so tired) with your friends.

You chip the ball until you hit your spot exactly, counting the number of strokes it took to hit it. When I say hit your spot, I don't mean roll the ball there, I mean on the fly. Then your friends take turns at it counting their strokes. The person who takes the fewest strokes to hit it gets a "G" and gets to pick the next spot and start again. Whoever spells GOOSE first, wins! See, with HORSE, you're eliminated when you spell it. With GOOSE, you win when you spell it! It keeps people from being eliminated so everyone gets their practice.

Now feed me.
Love,
The Goose

Sounds great - I think I'm going to try it!

I'm a little concerned that her responses might not all be this useful, but I guess we'll see.

If you have a question for The Goose, you can e-mail it to her at askthegoose@adelphia.net or use the link in the sidebar.









Next post.

Here's to the original gray Goose

My goose (Kess) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery that she had on Monday.

Look at those sad, gooey eyes. This was on Tuesday. I'll spare you the close-up
of the incision. At least she has her "recovery cow" there with her.

I've been allowed to visit her yesterday and today and her surgeon is hopeful that she'll be able to come home soon (maybe Friday). Since she's a goose and she's gone gray...

This was today. Her eyes are clear and bright but she still wasn't up and moving.
Poor goose. With her is her oldest surviving toy, "Snort."

I thought it only fitting that I come home straight away and toast to her recovery with a proper Grey Goose martini (extra dry, of course), complete with my own hand-stuffed bleu cheese olives. My favorite libation! I wonder why?

My goose was gray before grey goose became popular as a vodka.

Notice the olives stuffed with care. Also, grey goose is French
and Kess speaks French (okay, she only knows the words
"oeuf" and "beuf" - big surprise). The coincidences keep on coming!

To end this on a golf-ish note since this is a golf blog (flog), I'll be going straight to the hospital for visiting hours from the golf course after my round tomorrow. It'll be difficult to concentrate and the first time I've played in two weeks. I took two weeks off so I could be home for her during this procedure and the recovery and I can't just sit around worrying anymore. Kess is my first priority over everything else, but golf does go on.

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My new inspiration!

I got it! I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. The only gift I wanted and asked for was an item that didn't exist and I got it anyway! How awesome is my mom?

In an earlier post, I made a plea for a unique clubhead cover. My mom would probably call that another kind of guilty plea - when she gave it to me and I was shocked and surprised, she said "how could I not after that blog post?" I posted a picture of a fawn colored Great Dane by Daphne's Headcovers. My thinking was that if my mom didn't crochet me a replacement for her earlier attempt, I might check with Daphne's to see if they made custom covers. Turns out my mom had the same idea, but she found out that they do not make custom orders. But she's no dummy and she didn't stop there. She went ahead and ordered the light colored one and customized it herself. We finally got together on Saturday to celebrate the holidays and all the birthdays (we're all in December and January) and I got this for my birthday. Check it out!

One of a kind. See this on the course and you know Golfchick is near.

How perfect is that? It makes me so happy! It's huge, so even though my five wood has already been dubbed my "goose" and will probably continue to be called that on the fairway when the situation calls for it, this cover goes on my driver. Normally, I take my cover off my driver on the first tee and leave it off for the entire round. Not anymore! That old Taylor Made cover wasn't as easy to slip on and off as this goose cover.

I already played with her on my bag and it just tickled me every time I took it off and put it back on. Even after hitting a "less-than-great" drive, I'd return to my bag irritated and it all just washed away when I saw the goose there waiting. I just smiled and moved on. She may not have helped my score, but she certainly didn't hurt it. I shot an 89 at Mountain View, which isn't great, but for a Sunday-bloody mary-Sunday round, it's not bad at all.

Just look at the resemblance. I'm so glad the goose will have a physical presence on the course with me now. Greg thinks we should put a white visor on her and the words "The Goose" in white across the back of her neck. I think I like her just the way she is. Maybe we can do that when they're mass produced for sale. :)

On Saturday, I'll find out what kind of an effect she has during competition. We have our first tournament with the Treehouse. As club champ, I'm prepared for everyone to be after my hide. Last year, people didn't mind seeing me win so much and I might have even had some rooters, especially in A-flight where they didn't have to compete with me until the end. This year I expect they'll be gunning for me, especially considering that I have moved up to A-flight with them. Another woman joined the club this year, too. I wonder if she'll be playing from the whites or reds. Last season they had me play from the red tees during fun stroke-play tournaments but from the whites for the match play eliminations for club championship. This year, the board gave me my choice of which tees to play for the entire season and I chose to play from where everyone else plays (whites). With the goose on my driver, how can I go wrong?

Thanks again, mom! You're the best!

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Goose Abuse!

I know they can be annoying and I've had my share of goose by-product on my clubs, ball and shoes. I also know golf can be frustrating. But anger management should be handled appropriately on the golf course. Take it out on the ball with your driver off the tee like the rest of us. Seek therapy off the course. Don't take it out on the poor geese. This moron should be wearing a helmet at all times and should not be allowed to drive a motorized vehicle of any kind or be allowed to hold club-like objects. How could you kill a silly goose? This story made me sick. Misdemeanor disorderly conduct? People in his community should find out if this guy wets his bed and keep an eye on him as a possible sociopath and future serial killer.

I call this one Gary. He's our local orange-footed friend at Mountain View in Santa Paula, CA. He may not even be a goose, certainly not Canadian, but come on. Look at him!

No, this is not what I meant by "the goose is coming," it's just another goose installment. Stay tuned...

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Ask the Goose - question from "Chuck"

Chuck from Woodland Hills, CA submitted this question:

Dear Goose,

My name is Chuck and I am a very handsome black and white cat. (Note I didn’t say kitty, that’s for pussies!) Anyway, I have a major problem with my parents! I know they love me but they keep leaving me!!! And it makes me so mad just cause they want to go have some fun. Hey – aren’t I fun enough??

Well, the problem is that when they get back, the way I show them I’m unhappy with them I think just might cost me my life!! You see, I peed on my Dad’s shorts and peed on my Mom! Yep – you read that correctly – I peed ON her!

My Dad just took me to the vet to get checked out and do you know what the vet had the unmitigated gall to say? That I had a small kitty brain and what did they expect from me?!!!! Can you even believe it? I AM appalled.

Well Goose – do you have any suggestions for how I can show my displeasure with my parents when they take off for places unknown and just abandon me at home ALONE? I think my Mom can probably handle it but it’s my Dad I’m worried about. Should I go back to throwing up on the carpet or bringing them a dead rat? What’s a cat to do?! Anxiously awaiting you’re response with bait on my breath!

Fondly, Chuck
PS (Love the golf blog!)

Dear Bait,

What the hell is wrong with cats? As you mentioned at the end, this is a golf blog! My mom didn't want me to post a response to this!

You call yourself a cat but you are truly a pussy. I never understood the stupid kitty brain anyway. When my mom goes out to play golf or leaves me for any other reason, I get upset but I get over it right away! Live for the NOW, you moron. You may have nine lives, but your time here is still too short to be spending it all stressed out. Frickin whiner!

Sure, sometimes I get bored and go through the trash or other fun things while she's gone. Today I'm trying something new - posting a response on her blog to a dumb cat. She might remove it when she finds out. Anyway, when she gets home she's all "disappointed" in me and I act remorseful for a little while and then the loving returns.

Throwing up on the carpet - now that I can relate to! Sure, do that! Or if you like rats, show them how you missed them by presenting one to them when they return. Maybe put it on the dining room table or on a pillow in bed. Just have your fun, take lots of naps and keep busy while they're gone. Whatever you do, don't try to punish them once they're HOME, you idiot. Don't you know that just extends your own misery? Why do you want them home so much if you're not going to enjoy it?

Frickin stupid kitties. You're lucky they haven't woofenized you yet. Speaking of that, tell your mom and dad I'd be happy to provide a private one-on-one training session for you.

The Goose Kitty Project: I'm so scared!

Your doctor is right about your small kitty brain. That's why cats get nine lives, by the way, because they're so dumb. I'm surprised you haven't used all yours up by now by sticking your paw in a socket or shredding yourself in the garbage disposal and other stupid cat stuff. Maybe you'll get what you deserve and they'll go all new age on you and put you on some kind of pussy anti-depressant.

Good luck,

The Goose

The Goose is home

After playing a round at Westlake yesterday, we went straight to the hospital to visit the Goose. Her surgeon gave his permission for her discharge but said she could stay as long as I wanted or needed. She's not standing on her own, and as you might imagine, that makes things difficult with a Great Dane. Even though they were treating her royally there, it's still a hospital and not home. She whined and whined in the visiting room and we just knew she had to come home. Plus, I missed her terribly. If it was just me, I couldn't have done it. Thankfully, I have Greg who is enthusiastically helping. I certainly couldn't have brought her home by myself. I couldn't even have gotten her out of the car and into the house.

Most dogs' lives are all about the basic needs (eating, drinking, sleeping, going potty). Add to that four times daily medication and near non-stop affection and you have the needs of the Goose right now. And all of those from the lie-down position for the most part. We rotate the goose and try to get her moving and take care of her like a baby (Desitin and all). She requires pretty much constant supervision and she's uncomfortable a lot of the time. It's stressful and my emotions are raw, which is why I'm glad I got some golf in yesterday.

Oh yeah, the golf

Speaking of that, I wore my new rides and tested them out with a nice 18-hole walk. The cushy feeling never went away and my feet still felt good after the round. So there's your answer, Jen. Oh, and speaking of Jennifer Mario, her resolution to break 80 next year inspired me to put that on my own list, although I intend to do more than that with my game. :) Anyway, I shot a 40 on the front nine and really thought I might pull it off in 2005. And even if it happened on this short par 67 course, I'd have counted it. Alas, it wasn't to be. I shot a disappointing 44 on the back for a grand total of 84. I did play from the blue tees, but I doubt playing from different tees would have made a five stroke difference. Ah well, I'll get it next year!

More importantly, the Goose will be out of diapers, up from her wheelchair (the two of us lifting her in a sling), playing like a puppy and good as new. So much to look forward to in 2006!

Next post.

The "other Goose" puts up a dramatic win and Jennifer Mario has nothing to say?

I can't believe it. Jennifer Mario, probably the biggest Goosen fan in the golf blogosphere, has nothing to say about Retief's win at the Qatar Masters? For crying out loud, he birdied 17 and eagled the final hole to do it - it doesn't get much more dramatic than that. AND he hadn't won in over a year. I know you've been absent from blogging for awhile, Jennifer, but come on! Where are you??? Is your book Michelle Wie: The Making of a Champion keeping you so busy that worldgolf, travelgolf and all your readers are just dust in your taillights? If a Goosen win doesn't call you out, what will?

(Photo of Jennifer Mario by Tonya Locke from the back cover of Jennifer's book Michelle Wie: The Making of a Champion. Photo of Retief Goosen with his trophy at the Qatar Masters - what the hell is that thang?)

I mean really... my Goose (THE Goose) gets more press than Retief. And everyone else is busy talking about Tiger. It's the least you could do.

The old lady diva gets the ink.

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Kess "The Goose" Williams - 1995-2007

Life was better yesterday.

Because I got to hold her.
Because I got to smell her.
Because I got to kiss her.
Because she was here to kiss my tears away.
Because she was here.

I miss you, Kess.
You were my best friend.
You made my world so sweet.
There isn't anything better than you.
I will always love you and you'll always be here with me in my heart.

Hello, see you later.

Kess "The Goose" Williams 1995-2007
Rest in peace, peanut butter cup.

To know her was to love her. Everyone loves The Goose.

This blog will now be observing a moment of silence for The Goose. I don't know how long the moment will last. E-mails and comments may go unanswered because words are too hard.

Next post.

Ask the Goose - question from David

I'm channeling Kess today so I went into her inbox and found this old question that she never got the chance to answer. So, in her first column since her passing, the ghost of the Goose takes this question from David Joseph:

Dear Goose,

I have been golfing for a long time. I have been living for a long time too. As I get older I am getting faster. I need to get where I am going before I go croak. As golf gets older it is getting slower. This incredibly slow play is driving my friends away from the game.

I would like to know if there are any rules governing pace of play at public golf courses. I (and my quickly disappearing friends) need to be able to play a round of golf in less time than is currently possible. Can you help us out here?

David Joseph

Dear David,

If you haven't already, I recommend going ahead and "croaking." The golf courses are wide open and you can reunite with all your friends and play at whatever pace you like on any course you choose.

If you're still circling the drain, try going to your favorite local muni on a weekday when the non-retired people are too busy in their offices to be on the golf course. Also try the more expensive courses where you can enjoy the senior rates and the faster pace of play (because the greens fees are too high for the young whippersnappers).

Maybe even join a senior league so you can share your common concerns like creaky hips and slower swing speeds. Stepping up to the forward tees might also speed up play for you and your friends. Make sure you all watch each other's tee shots for a better chance at finding them with all those old eyes. Spread the word so that others do the same (especially the groups in front of you).

Good luck and I'll see you soon,

The Goose

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Happy 11th birthday to the Goose!

Kess, a.k.a. "The Goose" turns eleven years old today! She is still recovering from her recent surgery, so she's got a convenient old-lady-like wobble to her gait to mark the occasion. And the huge patch on her back that was shaved is taking its time growing back. I guess she really wants to milk the sympathy on this one like a kid with a cast on his arm. We just think you look silly, Goose. (For anyone wondering, I have discovered the item that can't be found for sale online, not even on E-bay: Doggy toupees.)

"How undignified. I am not amused."

Happy Birthday, Goose!

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Ask the Goose: question from Scott

Scott in Thousand Oaks, CA writes:

What do you do all day to keep busy while Kristen [the golfchick] is away at work?

Thanks for asking, Scott. Sometimes I feel so forgotten.

Now that I'm a retired security executive and don't have the requisite thumbs to play golf (that lack of freakin' thumbs has plagued me all my life), I still seem to find plenty to keep myself occupied. Sleep is paramount among my hobbies and time-fillers. I'm not even too keen on the obscenely overflowing room they call a toy trunk anymore.

Actually, Mom's been working from home when not traveling with her current gig, which allows for slightly more peaceful sleep. Notwithstanding the onslaught of kisses and pets I receive every time she nears me, I prefer her being around simply because it's less work for me.

Allow me to explain.

My career with the Williams Household organization was long and honorable and I enjoyed a generous compensation plan. Part of that plan was my college fund. I failed to read the fine print of that benefit and when I neglected to go to college, it automatically rolled over into my Medicare plan. Although not quite as convoluted as I understand the human equivalent to be, this Medicare is a bitch (no offense to myself). Granted, I'm taking full advantage of the monetary benefits with my current illness and ongoing disability and I can use whatever drug plan suits my needs best, but here's where I actually get to the point of answering your question: I have to do chores!

That's right. How many Medicare recipients do you know that are required to do laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, cook the meals and take out the trash? I mean, I don't actually do those things, but I'm supposed to. Actually, I enjoy taking out the trash, but I don't do it quite to the satisfaction of the plan provider. And lately, I have been struggling to do even that.

Here I am after a failed (foiled) attempt at taking out the trash Goose style. Look how I play it up for the sympathy. It worked, too! Mom didn't even get mad at me for the attempted smorgasbord.

I have to admit she's been more than gracious in light of my frequent contretemps due to my temporary infirmity. I guess I'm lucky she only beats me on Wednesdays. Maybe this plan isn't so bad after all.

It seems the answer to your question is that I don't do much of anything whether she's home or away. Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in pooch hooch.

Yours,
The Goose

Next post.

Ask the Goose: Where to put the bunker rake?

Dear Goose,

We are leaving it up to you to settle a bet for us. What is the proper etiquette on where to leave a rake - in the bunker or next to it?

~Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Poor Puzzled,

Oh, the perpetual perplexing predicament. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this question. I also can't tell you how many times I have changed my answer. Since you're the betting sorts, I guess it won't matter to you that I'm tossing a coin to choose how I'm going to answer it now.

Oh dear, the quarter came to rest on its edge. You know what this means. Pity, Pittsburgh. No one wins your bet because the answer is to put the business end of the rake in the sand along the edge of the bunker leaving the handle just outside the lip.

Yours,
The Goose

[Editor's note: according to the USGA, "There is no set rule as to where the bunker rake should be placed. It is recommended that rakes be placed outside bunkers and in positions where they will be least likely to affect play. Other considerations, such as golf course maintenance and the size and design of the bunkers, will impact the final decision made at each course."]

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Happy Birthday to The Goose!

It's a big day at the Williams house. We are honoring the 12th birthday of Her Royal Highness Kess (a.k.a. The Goose). For those of you who don't know, that's an impressive number for a Great Dane. I know I'll never make it that far in human years. Not even close. So what do you get a Goose who has everything?

Well, the same question arose for Christmas and she answered it for me: A hospital stay, twice-weekly acupuncture sessions, a new car to more comfortably transport her to and from those visits, boxes and boxes of potty pads, a diaper bag (thanks, Greg!), a new sling, specially concocted medications by the truckload, Chinese herbs, a stethoscope, a new airbed and blankets, several more doctor's visits and lab tests, home-cooked people food and never leaving her alone long enough for a round of golf (priceless).

Kess is thrilled about her birthday.

And of course she also got some new necklaces, toys and treats to make the gift opening session more fun.

Now what to get her for her birthday? Shhh... don't tell her yet and spoil the surprise, but she's getting another urinalysis! She'll also be starting a new hydrotherapy regimen this week with underwater treadmill workouts. She's having a chicken pecan Lean Cuisine lunch (she's tired of my cooking) and tonight we'll be celebrating with a big birthday steak.

I got a little something for her birthday, too. Check out the strategically placed Birdie Girl bag behind her in the picture. Now I just need a chance to use it! I'm sure Greg will come over and babysit and maybe I can scrape up enough change from the couch cushions to pay for a round.

I know, I know... poor me. But only literally! I'm lucky and elated to have her happy and home to celebrate this big day and with a lot more luck and love, she'll be celebrating her 13th standing on all fours!

Next post.

My Goose Came Back

What is the old saying? If you love something, set it free, and if it comes back... yadda yadda yadda...

I GOT MY GOOSE BACK!

My “goose” is my 5-wood (I’ll explain some day). I have mentioned that I had lost my wood swing lately and thought it might be due to the rather nifty development of my iron swing and that I knew I’d get it back at some point. I got it back during the practice round before the Tournament of Club Champions! I was so excited to hit those long second shots again. I really look forward to developing that swing and working those golf clubs so I can get the length and consistency I know they (and I) are capable of achieving.

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Breaking the silence

It has been a month since I lost my best friend.

I will always miss her and while I think I've gotten through the hardest time, I'm sure the tears will continue to spring up, just fewer and farther between as time goes on. It was necessary for me to take almost a week off from work but since then it has kept me busy and I think that helped. My grief clouded my thoughts and I'm afraid I produced some of the worst work in my life, but it all worked out and my contribution to the project proved successful anyway. Work was required, blogging was not, so I focused my attention where I needed to.

I put together a memorial tribute to Kess which I think also helped in the healing process by consolidating and sharing memories and getting out a lot of my tears.

Thank you all for the comments you posted and emails you sent. Please know that your kind and caring words are much appreciated even though I didn't respond to you all individually.

Special thanks to Jay Flemma at A Walk in the Park and Mulligan Stu at The Waggle Room for the thoughtful posts and Scott at Time Fore Tee for the beautiful grip design and donations in her honor. Scott sent me the gorgeous Artan grip he designed based on the MacKessock tartan. It will become my new putter grip so that I can have a symbol of her with me on every golf hole I play (though I will continue to try to hole out from off the green).

My moment of silence is now officially over and I'll get back to the business of blogging about golf. The "Ask the Goose" feature will continue in Kess' honor, and I hope she will channel through me to continue to answer the mailbag and that I can do her column justice.

Again, thank you all for your patience and support.

Kess "The Goose" Williams - the day before her last on Earth.

Next post.

Non-golf Goose post

This isn't golf related but if anyone's interested in seeing more of the infamous Goose, you can see a cute video of her opening some of her Christmas presents here.

Next post.

Golf horoscopes, why I'm like Tiger Woods, and why to bet on Natalie Gulbis

It is Friday night, right? I expected to be doing something else tonight but my other half is down with some kind of nasty cold. Rather than dosing up on Airborne and Emergen-C like I'm known to do in such situations, I opted instead to go the route of the martini. Truth be told, I intended to do the martini thing last night but I never got around to it, so I am glad for the opportunity. And though I've cautioned in the past against drinking and flogging, here I am - sitting with my Goose, my martini (also a goose of the gray variety even though they spell it wrong) and Tom Waits, typing away. I have to say that these blue cheese olives I bought at BevMo suck. Shoulda stuck to my own hand-stuffed freshies. Ah well, live and learn.

I suppose I should find the point. Not the one on my head (I actually have a pointy skull and if I ever shaved my head I'd probably look like a real Conehead - my parents swear they didn't drop me) but an actual golf-related type of point. Ah yes, golf horoscopes.

While sitting here surfing around, I found a site called Pargazer which is my new favorite site. This ain't my first square dance, though, so I won't stick it in my links list just yet. (Ever really connect with someone at a bar and declare them your new bestest friend and swear you'll call?)

ANYWAY - Why do I like this site so much? It actually likens me to Tiger Woods simply because I was born within a few days of him. It's mostly a site that sells stuff, but the gimmick is golf humor and horoscopes. I think we all like to believe in the reading of the stars when it's favorable. Which is why so many horoscopes focus on the positive aspects of a person's sign. This one uses the same general horoscopic - did I just invent that word? - theories and applies them to a person's golf game. It's pretty fun, actually.

I'm a goat, through and through. Hey, maybe that point on my head is actually a horn trying to stick through. No, that would make me a unicorn. Nevermind. Almost everything I've read about Capricorns pretty accurately describes me. Even the bad stuff. I'm a major astronomy geek which makes some people see irony in that I'm also terribly fascinated by astrology. Not Capricorns, though. They know that while we may be commonly known as pragmatists we can also be quite creative and apply that flair to our logic. When you really think about the cohesive nature of the universe, why wouldn't the position of the stars at the exact moment of our births have something to do with our personalities and indeed, everything about us? I could go on and on and delve into quantum physics and really rationalize this.

But oh yeah - this is a golf blog. And I'm like Tiger Woods. Just lookie here:

But wait a minute...

Isn't it interesting that there's no mention of noted female Capricorn golfers? Nancy Lopez and Natalie Gulbis are both Capricorns. Shame on you, Pargazer! Now you're not getting on my links list for sure (as if they'll feel the pain). I'm not going to spend any time researching this right now but it seems to me that horoscopes are typically more of a chick thing and the folks at Pargazer are morons for not knowing their audience.

There may be critics who say Natalie hasn't won, she won't win, she doesn't "have it," she's too "flaky." If anyone doubts what Natalie Gulbis will accomplish, hear me now: if she wants to win at golf, she will. She may be too busy right now applying her dogged Capricorn-ness to enlisting sponsors, endorsements and fans at the moment, but when she really focuses on golf, watch out! Calendars Looks fade; skills develop. She's a goat, alright!

Okay, so I'm way older, shinier and drunker, but can't you see the Capricorn in us both?

Next post.

Funny search phrases

Keyword activity is always a fun stat to check. How are people finding my site? Sure, they're mostly golf term searches, but not always! There have been some good ones. I wish I could remember some of the better ones from longer ago, but some recent entries prompted me to share some of my favorites here:

Stupid cats brain
Colorado corn bread
Heather McMichael leaving (Heather, are you going somewhere?)
Goose abuse
I need my space t-shirt
How to spent twenty dollars (careful, misspell something in your search and you could wind up here)
Stupid birds

Hmm... I'm starting to detect a stupid pattern.

Next post.

New putter grip

I mentioned in my last post the grip I received from Scott at Time Fore Tee (also www.tartangolfgrips.com). I just installed it on my putter and it looks great! I'm psyched to use it in my round tomorrow. The thrill I got in slicing off that heinous red Cameron grip with the stupid lettering and crown design was a bonus. I couldn't stand that grip and now I have the perfect grip to replace it!

Now I have The Goose represented on my big stick AND my little stick.

Scott does a great job designing these gorgeous grips and I'm honored that he designed this one just for us in Kess' memory. It is one of the nicest, most thoughtful gifts I have ever received and I can't thank him enough. He also writes an interesting and detailed golf blog, so check him out at the links above!

Bring on the one-putts, Kessy!

Next post.