Ask the Goose - question from David

I'm channeling Kess today so I went into her inbox and found this old question that she never got the chance to answer. So, in her first column since her passing, the ghost of the Goose takes this question from David Joseph:

Dear Goose,

I have been golfing for a long time. I have been living for a long time too. As I get older I am getting faster. I need to get where I am going before I go croak. As golf gets older it is getting slower. This incredibly slow play is driving my friends away from the game.

I would like to know if there are any rules governing pace of play at public golf courses. I (and my quickly disappearing friends) need to be able to play a round of golf in less time than is currently possible. Can you help us out here?

David Joseph

Dear David,

If you haven't already, I recommend going ahead and "croaking." The golf courses are wide open and you can reunite with all your friends and play at whatever pace you like on any course you choose.

If you're still circling the drain, try going to your favorite local muni on a weekday when the non-retired people are too busy in their offices to be on the golf course. Also try the more expensive courses where you can enjoy the senior rates and the faster pace of play (because the greens fees are too high for the young whippersnappers).

Maybe even join a senior league so you can share your common concerns like creaky hips and slower swing speeds. Stepping up to the forward tees might also speed up play for you and your friends. Make sure you all watch each other's tee shots for a better chance at finding them with all those old eyes. Spread the word so that others do the same (especially the groups in front of you).

Good luck and I'll see you soon,

The Goose

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Breaking the silence

It has been a month since I lost my best friend.

I will always miss her and while I think I've gotten through the hardest time, I'm sure the tears will continue to spring up, just fewer and farther between as time goes on. It was necessary for me to take almost a week off from work but since then it has kept me busy and I think that helped. My grief clouded my thoughts and I'm afraid I produced some of the worst work in my life, but it all worked out and my contribution to the project proved successful anyway. Work was required, blogging was not, so I focused my attention where I needed to.

I put together a memorial tribute to Kess which I think also helped in the healing process by consolidating and sharing memories and getting out a lot of my tears.

Thank you all for the comments you posted and emails you sent. Please know that your kind and caring words are much appreciated even though I didn't respond to you all individually.

Special thanks to Jay Flemma at A Walk in the Park and Mulligan Stu at The Waggle Room for the thoughtful posts and Scott at Time Fore Tee for the beautiful grip design and donations in her honor. Scott sent me the gorgeous Artan grip he designed based on the MacKessock tartan. It will become my new putter grip so that I can have a symbol of her with me on every golf hole I play (though I will continue to try to hole out from off the green).

My moment of silence is now officially over and I'll get back to the business of blogging about golf. The "Ask the Goose" feature will continue in Kess' honor, and I hope she will channel through me to continue to answer the mailbag and that I can do her column justice.

Again, thank you all for your patience and support.

Kess "The Goose" Williams - the day before her last on Earth.

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Kess "The Goose" Williams - 1995-2007

Life was better yesterday.

Because I got to hold her.
Because I got to smell her.
Because I got to kiss her.
Because she was here to kiss my tears away.
Because she was here.

I miss you, Kess.
You were my best friend.
You made my world so sweet.
There isn't anything better than you.
I will always love you and you'll always be here with me in my heart.

Hello, see you later.

Kess "The Goose" Williams 1995-2007
Rest in peace, peanut butter cup.

To know her was to love her. Everyone loves The Goose.

This blog will now be observing a moment of silence for The Goose. I don't know how long the moment will last. E-mails and comments may go unanswered because words are too hard.

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Happy Birthday to The Goose!

It's a big day at the Williams house. We are honoring the 12th birthday of Her Royal Highness Kess (a.k.a. The Goose). For those of you who don't know, that's an impressive number for a Great Dane. I know I'll never make it that far in human years. Not even close. So what do you get a Goose who has everything?

Well, the same question arose for Christmas and she answered it for me: A hospital stay, twice-weekly acupuncture sessions, a new car to more comfortably transport her to and from those visits, boxes and boxes of potty pads, a diaper bag (thanks, Greg!), a new sling, specially concocted medications by the truckload, Chinese herbs, a stethoscope, a new airbed and blankets, several more doctor's visits and lab tests, home-cooked people food and never leaving her alone long enough for a round of golf (priceless).

Kess is thrilled about her birthday.

And of course she also got some new necklaces, toys and treats to make the gift opening session more fun.

Now what to get her for her birthday? Shhh... don't tell her yet and spoil the surprise, but she's getting another urinalysis! She'll also be starting a new hydrotherapy regimen this week with underwater treadmill workouts. She's having a chicken pecan Lean Cuisine lunch (she's tired of my cooking) and tonight we'll be celebrating with a big birthday steak.

I got a little something for her birthday, too. Check out the strategically placed Birdie Girl bag behind her in the picture. Now I just need a chance to use it! I'm sure Greg will come over and babysit and maybe I can scrape up enough change from the couch cushions to pay for a round.

I know, I know... poor me. But only literally! I'm lucky and elated to have her happy and home to celebrate this big day and with a lot more luck and love, she'll be celebrating her 13th standing on all fours!

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Non-golf Goose post

This isn't golf related but if anyone's interested in seeing more of the infamous Goose, you can see a cute video of her opening some of her Christmas presents here.

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Ask the Goose: question from Scott

Scott in Thousand Oaks, CA writes:

What do you do all day to keep busy while Kristen [the golfchick] is away at work?

Thanks for asking, Scott. Sometimes I feel so forgotten.

Now that I'm a retired security executive and don't have the requisite thumbs to play golf (that lack of freakin' thumbs has plagued me all my life), I still seem to find plenty to keep myself occupied. Sleep is paramount among my hobbies and time-fillers. I'm not even too keen on the obscenely overflowing room they call a toy trunk anymore.

Actually, Mom's been working from home when not traveling with her current gig, which allows for slightly more peaceful sleep. Notwithstanding the onslaught of kisses and pets I receive every time she nears me, I prefer her being around simply because it's less work for me.

Allow me to explain.

My career with the Williams Household organization was long and honorable and I enjoyed a generous compensation plan. Part of that plan was my college fund. I failed to read the fine print of that benefit and when I neglected to go to college, it automatically rolled over into my Medicare plan. Although not quite as convoluted as I understand the human equivalent to be, this Medicare is a bitch (no offense to myself). Granted, I'm taking full advantage of the monetary benefits with my current illness and ongoing disability and I can use whatever drug plan suits my needs best, but here's where I actually get to the point of answering your question: I have to do chores!

That's right. How many Medicare recipients do you know that are required to do laundry, clean the house, go grocery shopping, cook the meals and take out the trash? I mean, I don't actually do those things, but I'm supposed to. Actually, I enjoy taking out the trash, but I don't do it quite to the satisfaction of the plan provider. And lately, I have been struggling to do even that.

Here I am after a failed (foiled) attempt at taking out the trash Goose style. Look how I play it up for the sympathy. It worked, too! Mom didn't even get mad at me for the attempted smorgasbord.

I have to admit she's been more than gracious in light of my frequent contretemps due to my temporary infirmity. I guess I'm lucky she only beats me on Wednesdays. Maybe this plan isn't so bad after all.

It seems the answer to your question is that I don't do much of anything whether she's home or away. Now excuse me while I drown my sorrows in pooch hooch.

Yours,
The Goose

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Ask the Goose: Where to put the bunker rake?

Dear Goose,

We are leaving it up to you to settle a bet for us. What is the proper etiquette on where to leave a rake - in the bunker or next to it?

~Puzzled in Pittsburgh

Poor Puzzled,

Oh, the perpetual perplexing predicament. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this question. I also can't tell you how many times I have changed my answer. Since you're the betting sorts, I guess it won't matter to you that I'm tossing a coin to choose how I'm going to answer it now.

Oh dear, the quarter came to rest on its edge. You know what this means. Pity, Pittsburgh. No one wins your bet because the answer is to put the business end of the rake in the sand along the edge of the bunker leaving the handle just outside the lip.

Yours,
The Goose

[Editor's note: according to the USGA, "There is no set rule as to where the bunker rake should be placed. It is recommended that rakes be placed outside bunkers and in positions where they will be least likely to affect play. Other considerations, such as golf course maintenance and the size and design of the bunkers, will impact the final decision made at each course."]

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Ask the Goose - question from "Chuck"

Chuck from Woodland Hills, CA submitted this question:

Dear Goose,

My name is Chuck and I am a very handsome black and white cat. (Note I didn’t say kitty, that’s for pussies!) Anyway, I have a major problem with my parents! I know they love me but they keep leaving me!!! And it makes me so mad just cause they want to go have some fun. Hey – aren’t I fun enough??

Well, the problem is that when they get back, the way I show them I’m unhappy with them I think just might cost me my life!! You see, I peed on my Dad’s shorts and peed on my Mom! Yep – you read that correctly – I peed ON her!

My Dad just took me to the vet to get checked out and do you know what the vet had the unmitigated gall to say? That I had a small kitty brain and what did they expect from me?!!!! Can you even believe it? I AM appalled.

Well Goose – do you have any suggestions for how I can show my displeasure with my parents when they take off for places unknown and just abandon me at home ALONE? I think my Mom can probably handle it but it’s my Dad I’m worried about. Should I go back to throwing up on the carpet or bringing them a dead rat? What’s a cat to do?! Anxiously awaiting you’re response with bait on my breath!

Fondly, Chuck
PS (Love the golf blog!)

Dear Bait,

What the hell is wrong with cats? As you mentioned at the end, this is a golf blog! My mom didn't want me to post a response to this!

You call yourself a cat but you are truly a pussy. I never understood the stupid kitty brain anyway. When my mom goes out to play golf or leaves me for any other reason, I get upset but I get over it right away! Live for the NOW, you moron. You may have nine lives, but your time here is still too short to be spending it all stressed out. Frickin whiner!

Sure, sometimes I get bored and go through the trash or other fun things while she's gone. Today I'm trying something new - posting a response on her blog to a dumb cat. She might remove it when she finds out. Anyway, when she gets home she's all "disappointed" in me and I act remorseful for a little while and then the loving returns.

Throwing up on the carpet - now that I can relate to! Sure, do that! Or if you like rats, show them how you missed them by presenting one to them when they return. Maybe put it on the dining room table or on a pillow in bed. Just have your fun, take lots of naps and keep busy while they're gone. Whatever you do, don't try to punish them once they're HOME, you idiot. Don't you know that just extends your own misery? Why do you want them home so much if you're not going to enjoy it?

Frickin stupid kitties. You're lucky they haven't woofenized you yet. Speaking of that, tell your mom and dad I'd be happy to provide a private one-on-one training session for you.

The Goose Kitty Project: I'm so scared!

Your doctor is right about your small kitty brain. That's why cats get nine lives, by the way, because they're so dumb. I'm surprised you haven't used all yours up by now by sticking your paw in a socket or shredding yourself in the garbage disposal and other stupid cat stuff. Maybe you'll get what you deserve and they'll go all new age on you and put you on some kind of pussy anti-depressant.

Good luck,

The Goose

Introducing a new feature: Ask "The Goose"

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know about The Goose. She's the 11 year old Great Dane I abandon for a few hours every time I play golf. Her name is actually Kess, but she's more often called by her nickname, The Goose.

She's never been one for chasing balls and so doesn't quite see the appeal of doing it for 18 holes, but she understands my addiction nonetheless. Since she has retired from her security job, she has been restless and wants to contribute to this blog to give her something to do. I'm all for it if it will keep her out of the trash.

She's so bored!

I thought the best way for her to contribute was to use her uncanny wisdom in a feature I'm calling "Ask the Goose." Readers can send in their questions to her via e-mail using the link on the sidebar and if she answers them, I'll post them here.

Before I introduced this feature, I wanted to test it myself to see if her response would be a good fit for this site. I think it is, and I'll share the example here now:

Dear Goose,

What is the best way to practice my short game?

Love, Mom

Dear "Mom,"

I love the short game because it involves chips, and I love chips. It's good that you understand this is the most important part of your game, and to make sure you practice it, you should make it fun. Playing is good.

Take some friends if you can and make a game out of your practice. Even wager on it if you want. With your bump and runs and your flop shots, choose a target and mark it. I recommend using something other than pee because it doesn't always show up and it can be messy. Then play "GOOSE" (HORSE is so tired) with your friends.

You chip the ball until you hit your spot exactly, counting the number of strokes it took to hit it. When I say hit your spot, I don't mean roll the ball there, I mean on the fly. Then your friends take turns at it counting their strokes. The person who takes the fewest strokes to hit it gets a "G" and gets to pick the next spot and start again. Whoever spells GOOSE first, wins! See, with HORSE, you're eliminated when you spell it. With GOOSE, you win when you spell it! It keeps people from being eliminated so everyone gets their practice.

Now feed me.
Love,
The Goose

Sounds great - I think I'm going to try it!

I'm a little concerned that her responses might not all be this useful, but I guess we'll see.

If you have a question for The Goose, you can e-mail it to her at askthegoose@adelphia.net or use the link in the sidebar.









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