Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Ask the Goose - question from "Chuck"

Chuck from Woodland Hills, CA submitted this question:

Dear Goose,

My name is Chuck and I am a very handsome black and white cat. (Note I didn’t say kitty, that’s for pussies!) Anyway, I have a major problem with my parents! I know they love me but they keep leaving me!!! And it makes me so mad just cause they want to go have some fun. Hey – aren’t I fun enough??

Well, the problem is that when they get back, the way I show them I’m unhappy with them I think just might cost me my life!! You see, I peed on my Dad’s shorts and peed on my Mom! Yep – you read that correctly – I peed ON her!

My Dad just took me to the vet to get checked out and do you know what the vet had the unmitigated gall to say? That I had a small kitty brain and what did they expe
ct from me?!!!! Can you even believe it? I AM appalled.

Well Goose – do you have any suggestions for how I can show my displeasure with my parents when they take off for places unknown and just abandon me at home ALONE? I think my Mom can probably handle it but it’s my Dad I’m worried about. Should I go back to throwing up on the carpet or bringing them a dead rat? What’s a cat to do?! Anxiously awaiting you’re response with bait on my breath!

Fondly, Chuck
PS (Love the golf blog!)

Dear Bait,

What the hell is wrong with cats? As you mentioned at the end, this is a golf blog! My mom didn't want me to post a response to this!

You call yourself a cat but you are truly a pussy. I never understood the stupid kitty brain anyway. When my mom goes out to play golf or leaves me for any other reason, I get upset but I get over it right away! Live for the NOW, you moron. You may have nine lives, but your time here is still too short to be spending it all stressed out. Frickin whiner!

Sure, sometimes I get bored and go through the trash or other fun things while she's gone. Today I'm trying something new - posting a response on her blog to a dumb cat. She might remove it when she finds out. Anyway, when she gets home she's all "disappointed" in me and I act remorseful for a little while and then the loving returns.

Throwing up on the carpet - now that I can relate to! Sure, do that! Or if you like rats, show them how you missed them by presenting one to them when they return. Maybe put it on the dining room table or on a pillow in bed. Just have your fun, take lots of naps and keep busy while they're gone. Whatever you do, don't try to punish them once they're HOME, you idiot. Don't you know that just extends your own misery? Why do you want them home so much if you're not going to enjoy it?

Frickin stupid kitties. You're lucky they haven't woofenized you yet. Speaking of that, tell your mom and dad I'd be happy to provide a private one-on-one training session for you.

The Goose Kitty Project: I'm so scared!

Your doctor is right about your small kitty brain. That's why cats get nine lives, by the way, because they're so dumb. I'm surprised you haven't used all yours up by now by sticking your paw in a socket or shredding yourself in the garbage disposal and other stupid cat stuff. Maybe you'll get what you deserve and they'll go all new age on you and put you on some kind of pussy anti-depressant.

Good luck,

The Goose

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