Ask the Goose - question from David

I'm channeling Kess today so I went into her inbox and found this old question that she never got the chance to answer. So, in her first column since her passing, the ghost of the Goose takes this question from David Joseph:

Dear Goose,

I have been golfing for a long time. I have been living for a long time too. As I get older I am getting faster. I need to get where I am going before I go croak. As golf gets older it is getting slower. This incredibly slow play is driving my friends away from the game.

I would like to know if there are any rules governing pace of play at public golf courses. I (and my quickly disappearing friends) need to be able to play a round of golf in less time than is currently possible. Can you help us out here?

David Joseph

Dear David,

If you haven't already, I recommend going ahead and "croaking." The golf courses are wide open and you can reunite with all your friends and play at whatever pace you like on any course you choose.

If you're still circling the drain, try going to your favorite local muni on a weekday when the non-retired people are too busy in their offices to be on the golf course. Also try the more expensive courses where you can enjoy the senior rates and the faster pace of play (because the greens fees are too high for the young whippersnappers).

Maybe even join a senior league so you can share your common concerns like creaky hips and slower swing speeds. Stepping up to the forward tees might also speed up play for you and your friends. Make sure you all watch each other's tee shots for a better chance at finding them with all those old eyes. Spread the word so that others do the same (especially the groups in front of you).

Good luck and I'll see you soon,

The Goose

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New putter grip

I mentioned in my last post the grip I received from Scott at Time Fore Tee (also www.tartangolfgrips.com). I just installed it on my putter and it looks great! I'm psyched to use it in my round tomorrow. The thrill I got in slicing off that heinous red Cameron grip with the stupid lettering and crown design was a bonus. I couldn't stand that grip and now I have the perfect grip to replace it!

Now I have The Goose represented on my big stick AND my little stick.

Scott does a great job designing these gorgeous grips and I'm honored that he designed this one just for us in Kess' memory. It is one of the nicest, most thoughtful gifts I have ever received and I can't thank him enough. He also writes an interesting and detailed golf blog, so check him out at the links above!

Bring on the one-putts, Kessy!

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Breaking the silence

It has been a month since I lost my best friend.

I will always miss her and while I think I've gotten through the hardest time, I'm sure the tears will continue to spring up, just fewer and farther between as time goes on. It was necessary for me to take almost a week off from work but since then it has kept me busy and I think that helped. My grief clouded my thoughts and I'm afraid I produced some of the worst work in my life, but it all worked out and my contribution to the project proved successful anyway. Work was required, blogging was not, so I focused my attention where I needed to.

I put together a memorial tribute to Kess which I think also helped in the healing process by consolidating and sharing memories and getting out a lot of my tears.

Thank you all for the comments you posted and emails you sent. Please know that your kind and caring words are much appreciated even though I didn't respond to you all individually.

Special thanks to Jay Flemma at A Walk in the Park and Mulligan Stu at The Waggle Room for the thoughtful posts and Scott at Time Fore Tee for the beautiful grip design and donations in her honor. Scott sent me the gorgeous Artan grip he designed based on the MacKessock tartan. It will become my new putter grip so that I can have a symbol of her with me on every golf hole I play (though I will continue to try to hole out from off the green).

My moment of silence is now officially over and I'll get back to the business of blogging about golf. The "Ask the Goose" feature will continue in Kess' honor, and I hope she will channel through me to continue to answer the mailbag and that I can do her column justice.

Again, thank you all for your patience and support.

Kess "The Goose" Williams - the day before her last on Earth.

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Kess "The Goose" Williams - 1995-2007

Life was better yesterday.

Because I got to hold her.
Because I got to smell her.
Because I got to kiss her.
Because she was here to kiss my tears away.
Because she was here.

I miss you, Kess.
You were my best friend.
You made my world so sweet.
There isn't anything better than you.
I will always love you and you'll always be here with me in my heart.

Hello, see you later.

Kess "The Goose" Williams 1995-2007
Rest in peace, peanut butter cup.

To know her was to love her. Everyone loves The Goose.

This blog will now be observing a moment of silence for The Goose. I don't know how long the moment will last. E-mails and comments may go unanswered because words are too hard.

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Happy Birthday to The Goose!

It's a big day at the Williams house. We are honoring the 12th birthday of Her Royal Highness Kess (a.k.a. The Goose). For those of you who don't know, that's an impressive number for a Great Dane. I know I'll never make it that far in human years. Not even close. So what do you get a Goose who has everything?

Well, the same question arose for Christmas and she answered it for me: A hospital stay, twice-weekly acupuncture sessions, a new car to more comfortably transport her to and from those visits, boxes and boxes of potty pads, a diaper bag (thanks, Greg!), a new sling, specially concocted medications by the truckload, Chinese herbs, a stethoscope, a new airbed and blankets, several more doctor's visits and lab tests, home-cooked people food and never leaving her alone long enough for a round of golf (priceless).

Kess is thrilled about her birthday.

And of course she also got some new necklaces, toys and treats to make the gift opening session more fun.

Now what to get her for her birthday? Shhh... don't tell her yet and spoil the surprise, but she's getting another urinalysis! She'll also be starting a new hydrotherapy regimen this week with underwater treadmill workouts. She's having a chicken pecan Lean Cuisine lunch (she's tired of my cooking) and tonight we'll be celebrating with a big birthday steak.

I got a little something for her birthday, too. Check out the strategically placed Birdie Girl bag behind her in the picture. Now I just need a chance to use it! I'm sure Greg will come over and babysit and maybe I can scrape up enough change from the couch cushions to pay for a round.

I know, I know... poor me. But only literally! I'm lucky and elated to have her happy and home to celebrate this big day and with a lot more luck and love, she'll be celebrating her 13th standing on all fours!

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Merry Kess-mess

And Happy New Rears!

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Introducing a new feature: Ask "The Goose"

If you've read my blog for awhile, you know about The Goose. She's the 11 year old Great Dane I abandon for a few hours every time I play golf. Her name is actually Kess, but she's more often called by her nickname, The Goose.

She's never been one for chasing balls and so doesn't quite see the appeal of doing it for 18 holes, but she understands my addiction nonetheless. Since she has retired from her security job, she has been restless and wants to contribute to this blog to give her something to do. I'm all for it if it will keep her out of the trash.

She's so bored!

I thought the best way for her to contribute was to use her uncanny wisdom in a feature I'm calling "Ask the Goose." Readers can send in their questions to her via e-mail using the link on the sidebar and if she answers them, I'll post them here.

Before I introduced this feature, I wanted to test it myself to see if her response would be a good fit for this site. I think it is, and I'll share the example here now:

Dear Goose,

What is the best way to practice my short game?

Love, Mom

Dear "Mom,"

I love the short game because it involves chips, and I love chips. It's good that you understand this is the most important part of your game, and to make sure you practice it, you should make it fun. Playing is good.

Take some friends if you can and make a game out of your practice. Even wager on it if you want. With your bump and runs and your flop shots, choose a target and mark it. I recommend using something other than pee because it doesn't always show up and it can be messy. Then play "GOOSE" (HORSE is so tired) with your friends.

You chip the ball until you hit your spot exactly, counting the number of strokes it took to hit it. When I say hit your spot, I don't mean roll the ball there, I mean on the fly. Then your friends take turns at it counting their strokes. The person who takes the fewest strokes to hit it gets a "G" and gets to pick the next spot and start again. Whoever spells GOOSE first, wins! See, with HORSE, you're eliminated when you spell it. With GOOSE, you win when you spell it! It keeps people from being eliminated so everyone gets their practice.

Now feed me.
Love,
The Goose

Sounds great - I think I'm going to try it!

I'm a little concerned that her responses might not all be this useful, but I guess we'll see.

If you have a question for The Goose, you can e-mail it to her at askthegoose@adelphia.net or use the link in the sidebar.









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Happy 11th birthday to the Goose!

Kess, a.k.a. "The Goose" turns eleven years old today! She is still recovering from her recent surgery, so she's got a convenient old-lady-like wobble to her gait to mark the occasion. And the huge patch on her back that was shaved is taking its time growing back. I guess she really wants to milk the sympathy on this one like a kid with a cast on his arm. We just think you look silly, Goose. (For anyone wondering, I have discovered the item that can't be found for sale online, not even on E-bay: Doggy toupees.)

"How undignified. I am not amused."

Happy Birthday, Goose!

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Here's to the original gray Goose

My goose (Kess) is in the hospital recovering from back surgery that she had on Monday.

Look at those sad, gooey eyes. This was on Tuesday. I'll spare you the close-up
of the incision. At least she has her "recovery cow" there with her.

I've been allowed to visit her yesterday and today and her surgeon is hopeful that she'll be able to come home soon (maybe Friday). Since she's a goose and she's gone gray...

This was today. Her eyes are clear and bright but she still wasn't up and moving.
Poor goose. With her is her oldest surviving toy, "Snort."

I thought it only fitting that I come home straight away and toast to her recovery with a proper Grey Goose martini (extra dry, of course), complete with my own hand-stuffed bleu cheese olives. My favorite libation! I wonder why?

My goose was gray before grey goose became popular as a vodka.

Notice the olives stuffed with care. Also, grey goose is French
and Kess speaks French (okay, she only knows the words
"oeuf" and "beuf" - big surprise). The coincidences keep on coming!

To end this on a golf-ish note since this is a golf blog (flog), I'll be going straight to the hospital for visiting hours from the golf course after my round tomorrow. It'll be difficult to concentrate and the first time I've played in two weeks. I took two weeks off so I could be home for her during this procedure and the recovery and I can't just sit around worrying anymore. Kess is my first priority over everything else, but golf does go on.

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All I want for Christmas...

I already have my two front teeth.

Sure, there are a lot of clubs and accessories I don't have that I might like. There's probably even some non-golf stuff I might want or even need. But the only thing I can think of that I really really REALLY want is a custom club head cover. A black Great Dane (perhaps with gray on her muzzle and around her eyes), to be more specific.

Okay, it's time to explain "the goose."

My dog, Kess, is my baby girl. Very rarely does anyone actually call her by her name, though. She mostly is known simply as "the Goose." When talking about her, it's The Goose, when talking to her, it's just Goose. It started with silly goose, which I know isn't uncommon, then evolved to Mongoose (from calling her - c'mon, goose) and finally ended up being just goose.

Many pet "mommies and daddies" will understand how much she means to me. She's not just a dog to me. She's my favorite thing. In many ways, she really is treated like a child. The holidays are all about the Goose. She gets the most presents and loves opening them herself. Her birthday parties are big events. She has had a career in security and household management (she's retired now) and there have been memos circulated about her various promotions and contributions. Our Christmas card always boasts an image of her. She goes in for medical and dental checkups more regularly than I do. I've got shirts and hats I've customized myself with embroidery of the goose's profile. I purchased the domain name golfgoose.com to which I intend to eventually transfer this blog. (My cousin was going to host it but I think he got too busy.) Getting the idea? Well, you've seen how obsessed I am with golf. Did you think my obsessive behavior started and ended there?

Standing room only at the Goose's 10th birthday party last February.
Faces have been pixelated to protect the guilty.

So, last Christmas was my first Christmas as a golfer. I had the same request then that I do now. I targeted my request more precisely to my mom, who has mad knitting and crocheting skills. And, dog love her, she actually came through. She was not happy, perhaps even embarassed about the result, and she was hesitant to hand over the finished product. I have to admit, it did look more like a scottish terrier bred with Snuffalupagus from Sesame street. It was so cute, though. It was made from that long fuzzy yarn and was all black with some wispy grays on her face, but her muzzle looked more like an elephant's trunk. It had little black eyes buried in the long hair (great danes have short hair) and short ears that flopped funny. It was funny looking and didn't resemble my dog, but I knew what it was. It was adorable, made with love, and it was unique. I wore it on my club with pride.

She actually created it over an exisiting head cover for the form, and that cover wasn't big enough for my driver, the place of honor. As luck would have it, I happened to have been hitting my five-wood probably the best of all my clubs at the time, and so the cover was thereby dedicated to that club. It saw a lot of great courses and I loved having it on there. That is how my five-wood became known as my goose. Unfortunately, it wasn't very durable and started falling apart after a few months of heavy use. I returned it by mail to the manufacturer (mom) with a formal letter requesting repairs and indicated that it was still under warranty. I received a response that the item was discontinued and the parts were no longer available, with apologies and hopes that I would place future orders. I can't believe I didn't get a photo of it before I sent it back!

Now I have the TaylorMade cover back on my five-wood, but it is still known as my goose on the course. "Oh, this is a perfect situation for the goose" or "It's about 190 yards, use your goose." There is a fawn colored great dane clubhead cover available, but no black ones. I'm sure I could find an actual goose if I tried. But I want MY goose! For now, I just have a pin of a real goose on that TaylorMade cover and my three-wood has a Ruger cover, so they're easy to tell apart. But I yearn for my own personalized cover that will last.

The wrong color cover.

Maybe it's short notice for Christmas, but the Goose is Jewish and it's her year in the alternating sequence of celebrating so there's plenty of time for Dognakuh. Plus, my birthday is coming up on January 4. (I know you're reading this, mom. I know you've said you won't re-attempt this effort, and don't feel guilty that you're spending Christmas with your other daughter and I won't see you until next year. Hugs and kisses!)

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