Thursday, August 31, 2006

My theory on Tiger Woods - you heard it here first

No human being can play golf that well so consistently. The kind of domination Tiger Woods wields over everyone in the world who plays golf requires a mental consistency of which no human being is capable. Therefore, Tiger Woods is not human. So what is he? Well, I have a few theories and stay with me because they kind of blend into each other. They are:

A. Tiger Woods is a robot
B. Tiger Woods is an alien
C. Tiger Woods is a changeling

First, you know we common folk aren't aware of the truly cutting edge technology that exists and prototype testing that goes on in secret. Tiger could be the product of the uber-private robotics industry. This could either be done in the private sector or by a major government power. Given that he is an American, probably the United States government. I don't see another country's government just handing us a winner like that even if it meant a better cover.

Second, you know we are not alone. Not only in the universe, but here on Earth. Exhibit A: The praying mantis. A friend recently pointed out to me that they are, of course, actually aliens and I completely agree. Look at their cool demeanor and the way they observe the world and indeed, you. Look at the way they control their numbers on Earth in order to remain inconspicuous until they decide to take over: the females bite the heads off of the males after mating. I think they know that the human form has the greatest advantage over other species on the planet and they will take the form of humans once we have killed ourselves off with our stupidity. Tiger might just be their prototype. That's where the third theory comes in and the blending begins.

Perhaps the aliens are capable of a changeling type of metamorphosis.

Is this what Tiger looked like before the change?

"Achieving trust is always the final step with a change." - Tiger Woods
Maybe deep down, he wasn't talking about his swing.

More than likely, their evolution is so far beyond our own that we couldn't even comprehend the kind of mental discipline, intelligence and physical power they possess. Maybe they didn't want to "waste" one of their own by experimenting with the form of a human. Instead, they developed a robotic simulation of themselves for the test. I guess the simplistic human equivalent would be like sending a monkey into space before a human.

How about when he doesn't win?

If Tiger ever has a bad hole, four in a row, comes in second in a tournament or even misses a cut, you can bet it's by design. They don't want to blow their cover. It's just that their little experiment has his own highly involved intelligence center (way beyond our simple brains). He's fully capable of winning every tournament every time and they let him dominate the sport but he's gotta make it look good. Lately, I think he disobeyed some of his orders and is drawing too much attention to himself. I wonder if they'll rein him in a bit.

But he's so emotional!

Oh, and what about that emotional display at the British Open? Was that some kind of flaw in the dominant mental system? Not at all. He became attached to his earthly father and probably has some true feelings there, but I think he never would have expressed them. The superiors were looking for a way to make him appear more human, so after his "father" died, they had him miss a cut and then activated his emotion chip on the 18th hole at the Open. I wonder if his earth family and Steve Williams are the biggest victims of the deception or if the aliens are using some kind of mind control in order to let them in on it.

Why Tiger?

Okay, so why would they choose to do this with a golfer? Easy. They wanted it to be an athletic figure so they could test the physical capabilities of the human body. They wanted him to be a public figure because it's just fun to bamboozle so many people. Of the sports, golf is the most mentally challenging. But most importantly, it's the sport with the most nature around so the mantis can observe unobtrusively. I'd like to see some of that nose-hair zoom camera work at the next PGA event focusing on the mantis leader.

So, there you have it. Tiger Woods is a robotic changeling alien. You heard it here first.

Photos courtesy Erich Mangl.

Next post.


Jam Boy said...

Just to refine your theory a bit--I do know that Stevie Williams is the only caddie on tour that actually makes a salary. $1 Million a year. So perhaps it's not mind control but a good old fashioned bribe to keep his mouth shut.

And I can't believe I'm saying this, but chip in his brain or no, after watching his finish at the British Open I am now a Tiger Woods fan.

You're certainly right though. It seems utterly impossible for an individual to dominate so consistently. I mean they're even giving out cars to people every time he wins. I don't think you could make a contest like that with any other player in the world.

srinidhi said...

A very plausible theory! If it is an alien preying mantis in control, why not a female golfer as an experiment, pray?

We indians would have called him an Avatar of God or a great Rishi!

Golfchick said...


The LPGA doesn't get enough coverage.

Joel Smythe said...

like it or not,Tiger ,as a prodigy
started early when his father noticed
his talent at age two.
From there onwards ,his dad took to training him to be the best.
It's too bad there are but few minorities in the sport because of the great expense and time needed
to train and learn the sport.
Someday perhaps Tiger will help talented very young players be able to afford the game thru scholarships, maybe even a Golf Institute like they have in some countries like Australia.