Sunday, November 27, 2005

Show a little class, not a little anatomy

I recently played in a foursome with three men. Okay, I do that a lot, but most of the time, the men I play with are civilized. I doubt it’s just because I’m there, either. I bet they’re the kind of men who actually prefer to use restrooms on the golf course. Occasionally, though, I witness the guy who prefers to “give back to nature.” In most cases, I think it must be a preference and not a necessity. I’ll accept that occasionally someone might drink one too many beers to make the excruciating wait for a couple of holes until we reach the next restroom. No, I won’t. If you’ve been potty trained, and chances are, if you’re playing on a big boy golf course with 18 holes with fairways and everything, you have, you are grown-up enough to anticipate this type of need and plan for it.

So, when I saw it happen on the ninth hole, I politely and good naturedly mentioned that there is a restroom at the clubhouse immediately following this hole. Maybe the good natured part was too much and he assumed I was joking. Either way, I would have thought I wouldn’t have had to be less subtle to get the point across that he really should be using the supplied restrooms like the rest of us. Then, the same guy relieves himself near the tenth tee box. Maybe my comment brought out the bratty five year old in him and that was an obstinate gesture? He seemed pretty oblivious so I tend to think that he simply chose not to exhibit any class, if he had any to begin with. This time, someone else in the foursome made a comment to me about it so that the “offender” could hear it, and I made my response directly to the Urinator. He managed to forecast correctly the rest of the round and used the restrooms, so I know it wasn’t some kind of bladder problem.

Since other men seem to be offended by such crude behavior, I don’t think this is a case of men feeling “restricted” by women on the course. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the whole idea behind men’s-only clubs is so they can burp, fart and wave their penises around as they urinate all over the course. Then, right before they turn on the cameras at Augusta, their mothers come along, straighten up their collars and tidy up their hair and faces with a little spit on the thumb and everyone’s on their best behavior. Maybe that’s the big secret men’s-club thing and I just don’t know the handshake.

I know someone’s going to read this and surmise that I have “penis envy.” Personally, I think that is more of a phenomenon amongst current penis owners and their feelings of inadequacy. However, I will admit that it does upset me that my lack of a penis earns me about 25% less salary than my male counterparts in my current professional position. Other than that, I can assure you that the only desire I have for a penis requires its attachment to my man. But I digress.

Golf is supposed to be such a civilized sport. We wear nice clothes, observe proper etiquette and obscure rules, and follow the honor system with scoring. It seems to me that using the provided restrooms would be at the very basic level of that etiquette system. Or doesn’t it count unless it is written in some golf-specific etiquette book? You can look up any kind of golf etiquette question on the internet and get detailed descriptions of how to tend the flagstick, or even what is proper tipping in the restrooms of the fancier clubs. Tipping in the restrooms? Relax. If you’re still struggling with whether or not to use the restroom, you’re probably not on a course that would have an attendant in there anyway. Probably the reason this isn’t on any etiquette list is that if you know how to read, it’s expected that you’re already following this simple standard. I guess that means posting a sign would be useless as well.

Next post.


richard said...

well said! btw, I added your blog to what I believe is the largest golf blogroll on the net at:


kiwihacker said...

I so want to argue with your point here but damnit your right!!!!!!!
Hmmmmmm, damnit your still right.

BTW good to see you back GC

mediaguru at hookedongolfblog.com said...

That's just plain inconsiderate. I've found a nice little private place in the woods before, but never around women golfers...

golfpunk said...

I loved this rant. Not sure if I agree entirely because when you've gotta go, you've gotta go but that fella who went twice in the space of three holes was just taking the piss.

I laughed so much that I posted my personal highlights on our blog at www.golfpunkonline.com. It's perfect for our golfpunks.

Fancy an exchange of links

MahaguruSia said...

haha... good post but then... there was a club where the women complained to the club that men pee on the golf course. they want some action to be taken. So the club passed the rule that women can also do the same... :-)

Tom G said...

My father plays with a guy that has to stop and relieve himself every two or three holes. Seriously. It's the side effect of a medication he is on, and to be honest, it is comical at this point.

Anonymous said...

This is ridiculous. I agree that you should try not to go with a woman watching, but any guy who says he doesn't use the trees in a round is lying. You can call it classless all you want, but I can guarantee that someone is going on the edge of a tee box at every "storied" course out there.

dave said...

I don't mind this type of behavior when it is warranted but golf courses are not wilderness areas and behavior that can get you arrested and should isn't something that should be tolerated.

dave said...

I don't mind this type of behavior when it is warranted but golf courses are not wilderness areas and behavior that can get you arrested and should isn't something that should be tolerated.

Anonymous said...

Hey golf chick,

Every guy goes to the bathroom behind a tree on the course. The offending part is when they do it on the tee box. Next time tell them to go behind a tree.

There is nothing wrong with the guys. It is just what we do. I try to be discrete when doing it but most guys aren't.

If it was a problem, the course would kick people off the course for doing it. It isn't done at pro events because they have bathrooms all over the place.